Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Make love, not war.

How many times a day would you say you battle with self hate? To be honest I am scared to actually take note and count how many times I am negative to myself. Internally I feel as if love and hate are fighting with one another and my body is the battlefield on which the war is fought and certainly far from over. There are days when Love wins and I feel confident, proud, beautiful, and just plain amazing.  Other times Hate wins and I am ripped apart on the inside. Bloody and numb from the abuse.  I do everything I can to try to give love the upper hand by making sure I promote my own self love but honestly, some days that is just too exhausting and I just go ahead and display my neck out for Hate to slice into.

When my stress is beginning to get out of control old patterns of self hate and self abuse begin to surface. I get super critical of my body, my hunger level lowers drastically, my need for extreme mileage in running becomes insatiable. This is all stuff I am battling on a day to day basis but find I have little control over when I am stressed and anxious. The only remedy for me is to remind myself that I don't have to control it, I need to manage it.

How? How do you stop this out of control train that just so happens to be careening down hill faster and faster until you are sure the only ending is destruction? Trying to stop doesn't work for me. Management of the problem has had a much more positive effect on me then anything else. What does that even mean?

Well, it is about understanding why I am feeling anxious or stresses while at the same time makin more of an effort to be nice to myself. It may sound cliche but stopping for a moment and remembering what you do love about yourself can be quite cathartic. Especially for someone who so often has mean and/or nasty things to say.

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