Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Make love, not war.

How many times a day would you say you battle with self hate? To be honest I am scared to actually take note and count how many times I am negative to myself. Internally I feel as if love and hate are fighting with one another and my body is the battlefield on which the war is fought and certainly far from over. There are days when Love wins and I feel confident, proud, beautiful, and just plain amazing.  Other times Hate wins and I am ripped apart on the inside. Bloody and numb from the abuse.  I do everything I can to try to give love the upper hand by making sure I promote my own self love but honestly, some days that is just too exhausting and I just go ahead and display my neck out for Hate to slice into.

When my stress is beginning to get out of control old patterns of self hate and self abuse begin to surface. I get super critical of my body, my hunger level lowers drastically, my need for extreme mileage in running becomes insatiable. This is all stuff I am battling on a day to day basis but find I have little control over when I am stressed and anxious. The only remedy for me is to remind myself that I don't have to control it, I need to manage it.

How? How do you stop this out of control train that just so happens to be careening down hill faster and faster until you are sure the only ending is destruction? Trying to stop doesn't work for me. Management of the problem has had a much more positive effect on me then anything else. What does that even mean?

Well, it is about understanding why I am feeling anxious or stresses while at the same time makin more of an effort to be nice to myself. It may sound cliche but stopping for a moment and remembering what you do love about yourself can be quite cathartic. Especially for someone who so often has mean and/or nasty things to say.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Mirror mirror on the wall....

It has been about a month since I have last weighed myself and let me tell you, it feels like it has been years. The problem I am finding is that just because I am no longer weighing myself doesn't mean I am not constantly thinking about how much I weigh. I have been able to wear clothing I know didn't fit a month ago and have noticed that the clothing I wear all the time actually fits better. This should be a good thing right? A step in the right direction right? Yes as far as my waist line but no in so far as my sanity.

I may not be constantly weighing myself but I can't seem to stop judging myself. When I walk past reflective surfaces I can't help but look at myself and try to see what other people are seeing when I walk by. Not just mirrors by the way, shiny cars, store front windows, anything with a sheen/reflective surface.  It is as if the world is filled with fun house mirrors and I am constantly looking for the one that will show me what I want to see. Not that anyone is looking at me or judging me for that matter but I just can't help but wonder how the rest of the world is seeing me. What do I look like to them? Am I pretty? Am I fat? Am I ugly? Am I old? Do I look like a B****? The questions I should be asking myself are what do I see or what do I want the world to see? But in actuality why do I really and truly care?  It is driving me nuts.

As you know, I just moved to a new city and don't really have any friends down here.  Not that I had a plethora of them running around San Francisco but still, the ones I do have back in the Bay Area mean a lot to me.  My best friends will tell you that I come across as aloof. I definitely have a wall up when I meet new people and it apparently can be extremely off putting. I can see why they say this about me but the fact is, I do try to be nice. It's not like I go out of my way to be mean or anything of the sort, in fact I probably go out of my way to be nice and engaging upon first getting to know someone.  The problem is with everyday people I run into, I just get irritated so easily by their stupidity. My judgments of others is extremely harsh so why wouldn't everyone else's be judgmental towards me?

I am generally that person at the grocery store with a basket full of items in the checkout line who notices if the person behind me only has a few things to buy.  Nine times out of ten I offer to let them go ahead of me.  Or if someone is short a few cents when paying and I know I have it I offer it up.  Most of the time however, people turn me down.  Have you tried doing this lately?  See how people react.  Is it just me who happens to get constantly rejected?  It's not like I'm asking for their first born in return.  I don't ask for anything in return.  Sigh....  So you see I do try to put good energy out into the world and pay it forward but perhaps that is easier for me to do then to let someone actually get to know me.

The point to all of this is that I put a lot of weight on my physical self as well as my personal self and worry about weather or not people will notice me or perhaps hope they don't notice me. Ultimately, I believe all of this is just another way in which I can try to put a value on my self worth.  I am the only one who can decide that I have self worth.  Not the mirrors, scales, reflective surfaces, or strangers of the world.