I have always been aware of my self hate, eating disorder, and over exercising. I know when I'm doing it, I usually know why I'm doing it, and I always know when I am at my worst. The problem with all of this is the fact that when I am submerged in the loneliness of all of these things I usually just don't care. It is as if I like being that way. At the time, I can usually rationalize why I am doing what I am doing and understand the problems and complications that can occur when I am doing what I am doing but still, I just don't care. It is a reckless abandonment of my safety. I throw caution to the wind and tell myself I am never going to look back. Whatever happens, happens, and I just don't care. It has taken a long time and a lot of work but I have come to realize that the struggle is not with acknowledging I have a problem, the struggle is with wanting to fix the problem and as a result get healthy.
As I have said before, I have been in therapy for years. I obviously wanted help right? In thinking back to why I first went to therapy, it was not because I wanted to fix my self hate, eating disorder, or over exercising. It was because I was sad. Not miserable, not depressed, but just plain sad and I was tired of it. Being sad is worse then anything else. To me it is a weakness whereas other emotions can give you strength. Like anger for example. When I am angry, I am articulate and my words can cut like a knife. Patience is a virtue right? Everyone is always working on that one so I don't feel alone or weird when I am having an impatient moment. And well let's face it, happy people aren't in therapy. Are they?
You might be thinking, Aha! she battles depression. That is where this stems and let's just get her on some drugs and on her way. It's not that easy and I don't believe that I have depression. Perhaps my sadness could have lead to that if I hadn't become impatient and sought out help. My problems were around a lot longer than being sad and are still a constant battle I fight every day. I can tell you that No I am not sad anymore and Yes, I am still fighting the self hate, struggle with food, as well as constantly worry that I am going to get back into my crazy work out routine and not be able to stop until I seriously injure myself. But don't forget, I am still in therapy. So, even though I went for one problem I stayed for a whole laundry list of others.
After starting to see my therapist I soon realized that she really was the best. The best for me that is. It wasn't that she was exactly what I needed e.g. therapy, but who I needed. This is something that if you have ever been to therapy you already know and for those of you have never been to therapy this is what you need to know. It is a relationship. If you don't like the person for whatever reason then say thank you for your time and move on to the next one. If you figure this part out sooner rather than later you won't have to waist your time getting each one up to speed on your problems, failures, behavioral issues, etc.
But I digress. My point is that while we were working on my sadness, she saw that I knew exactly what I was doing to myself and the fact that I didn't care. Or well she helped me to realize that perhaps I convinced myself I didn't care and maybe, just maybe I do care about myself. She and I have been working on realizing not what I am doing to myself but that I am aloud to care about myself and my body. Of course we work towards the root of all of these problems but somehow she has helped me be able to say to myself in the midst of a really nasty self hate day, moment, event, etc. Stop! Why am I doing this? What is really bothering me? Why am I taking this out on myself? She has given me more then just acknowledgment of my problems. She has given me the tools to learn to control them.